Yesterday I received my fourth treatment with Dr. Kübler–just 6 more to go! I’m happy to report that my veins cooperated on the first try again and worked splendidly for the whole treatment. All the love you are sending is doing the trick! I also got my slow drip of dendritic cells and then for dessert, 2 shots of the flu vaccine. As promised, my symptoms came on sooner than last week. In fact, I was in line at the grocery store a few hours later when I started to feel like I was going to explode! I don’t think the sweet-looking old woman, fumbling through her purse for exact change, had any idea that I was standing behind her trying to decide whether to leave my groceries and bolt for the door or just keep deep-breathing my way through it. I settled on the latter and made it home just in time!

Since I took Ibuprofin at the first sign of symptoms last time and that seemed to lessen them but I think also made them last twice as long, I held off this time. Bundled in bed with the heating pad and “24” playing on the DVD player, I progressively got more and more chilled, nauseous, and achey. Just when I thought I couldn’t stand it, the phone rang and it was Howard! What a difference to hear his loving voice and feel his empathy and encouragement. So, as he has been for me innumerable times since I met him, Howard was my saving grace, my angel again!

Also as promised, the worst of the symptoms worked their way through in about 4 hours and I slept well last night. I’m still in pjs after spending the morning getting lost in a novel. I don’t have big plans for the day: maybe a load of laundry, a little vacuuming, and if all goes well, a walk in the park at sunset (see if the gnats still look like fire sparks in the sunlight and my slightly-altered state). I’m grateful to rest. Tomorrow, I’ll hit the pool and be up to my old tricks of haunting the city asking people if they “schprekenze English?”

Last weekend, I took advantage of the discounted rates for visiting the state-run museums (1 Euro on Sundays) and saw an amazing photography exhibit called “Humanism in China” at the Pinakothek der Moderne. There were several rooms filled with photographs of the Chinese people in their every day life taken by numerous Chinese photographers over the last twenty or so years. Yesterday, as my blood was being pumped in and out, I spent a long time reviewing in my mind as many of the different scenes from the exhibit as I could remember. A few that captured my imagination included: children crossing a suspension bridge to go to and from school everyday and where the wooden planks run out a girl of about nine balances on the wire cable, her slippered-feet arched around it, her hands holding tight to the cables above; a young man covered in soap suds from head to toe, bathing himself from a bucket in front of some apartment buildings, his head tilted back and smiling widely; or another man who has created a make-shift bed on top of two occupied train seats on a crowded train and is holding onto the luggage rack to keep his perch. In fact, there were many incredible crowd shots, but two really caught my eye of commuters on their way to work. In one: hundreds of people are walking their bikes across a bridge, tire to tire. And in the other, a line of moped taxis, three across, take people to work, lined-up again, tire to tire, driving along the sidewalk. I could go on and on, but maybe I’ll save it for a poem…I think I might have to go back and see the exhibit again.

After the museum visit, I rode my bike to the Japanese Tea House in the English Garden just in time to observe a traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony. I couldn’t understand the introduction before the demonstration nor the impressive amount of questions and answers afterwards because they were conducted in German; but, the silent reverence for each thing and act observed in the ceremony itself left me with an ethereal calm that I took out into the afternoon with me. Also, as the river runs right next to the Tea House the sporadic sound of duck quacking, coming through the rice paper walls, really rounded out the mix of languages I was experiencing: German, Japanese, English (in my head), and Duck. Quite a multicultural experience.

So, thanks so much for checking-in here. As I write, I’m picturing your faces and feeling your friendship and it’s almost like I’m with you––which is always such a gift!

On another note, I have heard that emails you’ve sent have been bouncing back. I think the problem was based in some emails with Shakespeare lectures included that I asked Howard to send me. I have saved them to my hard drive and I think there is room to receive new messages again. Sorry for the technical difficulties. It was weird, some emails were getting through…Go figure.

I am sending you my love,
Kathleen

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I got my first twin shots of a flu vaccine yesterday. I believe the idea behind the use of them as part of my treatment is to kick my immune system into the “fight” mode. Once that’s happening, the dose of natural killer cells and dendritic cells can hunt down the tumor cells and destroy them. And, I must say, it does feel like there’s a bit of a war going on inside.

Frau Kübler warned me that I’d probably start feeling flu symptoms about 6 hours after the shots but that they should only last a few hours. It’s a strange feeling to walk around the city visiting the vegetable stand, the cheese hut, choosing which bread to try this time at the bakery, feeling just fine but being aware that soon I probably won’t…I suppose it could be seen as a microcosm of my experience of cancer: the gift of having a heightened awareness and appreciation of when I’m feeling well and functioning normally with the underlying understanding that it might not always be so. Of course, we all don’t know… but this diagnosis is a constant reminder to dive in deeply and leave as little undone or uncherished as possible.

Anyways, I started to feel kind of punky around 6pm but the real onslaught of chills, aches, and nausea didn’t hit me until 1 am! I know I should have been asleep at that “unteacherly” hour but I made the mistake of dipping into the only English DVDs I can find in the apartment: a whole season of “24”. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a high-speed suspense drama with Kiefer Sutherland playing an anti-terrorist agent. Not usually my cup of tea; but, I confess, I’m sucked-in! There are numerous plots and intrigues weaving in and out of each other on personal and national levels raising interesting questions about how one act or attitude can ripple through the fabric of society setting-off…yaddy-yaddy-yaddy…The ugly truth is, when one episode ends I feel compelled to watch just one more… So, seeing once again that I often come-up short in the personal discipline area, I’ve decided to limit myself to watching only one disc on the nights of my treatment! Otherwise, I promise, reading and writing poetry is what is truly giving me the most pleasure and satisfaction.

I’ll admit the symptoms aren’t fun but all I needed to do last night was remind myself that they are nothing compared to some of the horrors and long-lasting side effects of doing chemotherapy or radiation! And, again, I truly believe this is the cure in the making!

Today, I feel like one might the second day of having the flu. Still achy, no appetite, and I’m moving pretty s-l-o-w-l-y; but, I walked to the park and found a bench that the sun was still shining on at 7pm. I’m bundled up because it ain’t warm—fall and the rain have been with us for days upon days—but I swear that park is strong medicine for what can ail a soul! The gnats were out in droves but in the setting sun they looked like auburn sparks floating on the wind. I’m just out-of-it enough that I found myself thoroughly entertained watching them for some time! (And no, I didn’t visit the biergarten first!)

I guess that’s the big news for now. I suspect I’ll feel better tomorrow and be ready to resume my morning routine of swimming—in the free-for-all, no lane markers, swimming frenzy of the German public swimming pool. It just runs completely contrary to all the stereotypes of strict organization and efficiency I’ve always heard is the trademark of this culture. I can’t decide whether it’s actually a remarkable, yet highly unconscious, underwater choreography performed by a mass of total strangers or if it’s a heedless acting-out of the primal need to give in to chaos. I guess: maybe a little bit of both.

Please soak up some of that dry, warm weather I hear you’ve been enjoying in Santa Cruz for me!

Lots of love und schnitzel to you!
Frau Flowers

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I’m back in Münich! I had a wunderbar time in Dettelbach at my friend Angelika’s childhood home. She and her parents were so good to me in every way–treating me as if I were the prodigal daughter finally returning. They speak more English than I do German but there was a lot of looking up key words in the German-English dictionary when Angelika wasn’t around to translate. I felt like a 2 year old again listening so carefully to try and pick up words here and there. I’d catch myself parroting aloud what I heard and then practicing it under my breath until I got a chance to use it and surprise everyone. So fun! Her parents really reminded me of my German-American grandparents, their mannerisms, their gentleness and incredible good-nature. And the food took me right back to those glorious days of sitting down to eat at Grandma’s table: fresh fruits and vegetables from the garden, great bread, and 20 different kinds of sausages and cold cuts–I kid you not! You know me, I could spend the whole blog talking about the food, but I’ll show a little more discipline here than I did during the meals there! (Please don’t tell Herr Doctor Kübler that I blew-off my special diet. I just figured, when am I gonna’ get a chance like that again? And I’m sated now and back to the protocol.) Besides eating, we spent time in their paradisical garden. I talked big about helping but mostly we sat and admired all the flowers, trees, and bird song, sipping the local wine mixed with sparkling mineral water: weinshcoller (not sure if I got the spelling right). Angelika also took me on some wonderful walking tours of the town and we spent one afternoon driving through the green, greeen, GREEN rolling hills and farmland visiting other towns. Another day, we went to the nearest city, Würzberg, and spent the afternoon walking through the palace, turned museum, and its gorgeous gardens. We did spend one afternoon with some of Angelika’s friends hanging-out at a couple of the wineries, trying the wine that is only grown in that region of the world, and which pretty much just gets sold only there. Unfortunately, everyone wanted to be able to converse, so I didn’t get a real dose of Polka music. Guess I gotta’ go back next year…
So, second treatment was on Wednesday and I was all geared-up to get really sick again. Didn’t happen! I felt fine all afternoon and evening. But, they are warning me that next week I get my first flu shot vaccinations (2) and I most likely will get similar symptoms as I did last week. Good news is: the symptoms should only last a few hours. As long as I know that feeling awful is a sign that the medicine is working, hunting down and killing those evil cancer cells (Pac Man style), than I think I can handle it. It’s those “mysterious” sicknesses that put me a bit on edge, if you know what I mean.
I hear it’s been uncharicteristically HOT in Santa Cruz. Sounds kinda’ good. It’s been overcast and rainy here. Feels like fall. Luckily, it’s not too cold. I’m riding my bike through the park, swimming at the indoor pool in the mornings, and this afternoon I discovered where the HUGE outdoor market is downtown. Chanterelle mushrooms are in season so there are these great pyramids of golden fungi everywhere. Of course, I got some. Actually, they had everything under the sun. I enjoyed just walking around and checking-it all out. What really caught my eye were these little hedgehogs made out of some kind of dried plant material. Sooo cute. The question is: how am I gonna’ get a bunch home as gifts for y’all?
I know school started at DeLaveaga on Wednesday. All morning, I kept imagining all the kids and families arriving, finding their new classes. I could feel that totally contagious excitement that’s in the air in those first days. Last night, I dreamed about teaching and woke up feeling a little lost. I miss my Dos Alas and DeLaveaga community but know that I’m thinking of you all and wishing you a great start to the school year. I’ll come and visit as soon as I get back.
I think it’s time to pureé the sweet potato soup I’ve got simmering on the stove, so I’ll sign off for now with a big hug!
Lots of love,
Kathleen
PS: I just can’t go without thanking everyone for their thoughts, prayers, notes and interest in my healing adventure. I am strengthened by your love and care. I also want to send a special thank you to the Carmelite Sisters who are following my progress and praying for me even though we’ve never met! Bless you!

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