Kathleen will post more about thes photos (updated by brother).

First Trip to Germany, with sister.

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All is Good! It appears that I have managed to row my little coracle out of another episode of hell-symptoms and am floating along fine today––well enough to be working on a number of new poems! It’s interesting, it seems as though it takes my getting knocked-down sick to soften some part of me that I usually work very hard at keeping strong and impenetrable. I have been brought to tears many times today. It feels like a gift and a relief.

When I checked my emails from yesterday and today I was reminded of how none of us are alone as we balance our ration of suffering and fear with our wonder and celebration: the terrifying news of a friend’s beloved brother with an unexpected recurrence of cancer, the thrilling notice of a cousin expecting twins: a boy and a girl, the tale of adopting a puppy with the necessity for constant vigilance but the incredible bonding that also comes, and the reassurance from a friend of continued friendship despite my tendency toward self-absorption and sporadic communication…

And then, as if my heart wasn’t already brimming, Ellie, the woman who handed me the first end of the healing rope I am presently following just called from here in Munich! It was our first time getting to talk. She is a friend of a friend of a friend whom I’ve not yet met in person but who referred me to my acupuncturist (aka: Healing Angel) Mudita Voigt. Mudita has not only been an extraordinary healer in her own right on my behalf; but, has also untiringly searched for my cure since we met nearly two years ago. And it was this same Mudita that found out about Dr. Kübler and his revolutionary treatment and encouraged me to look into its possibilities. So, I have now spoken to Ellie, the first link…

Yesterday in the clinic I was lying next to a woman from Carmel (there have been several women from our part of California treated at this clinic, that I know about, in the past several months but she and I are the only “California girls” presently being treated) and at one point in our conversation, we got to talking about the extraordinary experience of feeling mysteriously but unmistakably “led” to each next step of our healing. She, too, had experienced a strong “knowing” that led to certain decisions even when they went against what the western doctors recommended. And like me, she feels so grateful that she was given and then followed those intuitions (aka: Grace).

Ok, I’m going to try and rein-in my philosophical and cosmic galloping today and tell you that I ventured out of Munich last Friday to visit the nearby Alps! I got the thrilling news my family will be coming at different times in October to visit and so I decided I had better do some reconnaissance beforehand so that I could show them some great sights.

I had been tracking the weather all week on the web and felt quite proud of this uncommon prudence (Ha!) on my part. It was a cloudless morning when I left Munich so I brought no rain gear, just a warm jacket, hat, scarf, camera, and the pig (of course!). I took a 90 minute train out of the city, through the rolling green pasturelands of rural Bavaria, through wooded stretches, over milky green rivers, and past little towns where there’s always at least one magnificent and pointy church steeple sticking above all the brilliantly white-painted houses with thier red roofs.

Just as the train was pulling into my destination town of Garmisch Partenkirchen (sight of the 1936 Winter Olympics) it began to sprinkle: rain! My intention had been to travel to the summit of the Zugspitze, Germany’s highest peak that, according to my Daytrips Germany guide, “offers a fantastic panoramic view extending across four nations. At one time, only mountain climbers could enjoy this spectacle, but today an ingenious network of cable cars and a rack railway make the ascent fast, easy and safe.” My trip would include “a ride on the Zugspitze Banhof, a small rack railway that would take me past Eibsee, a lovely lake near the foot of the mountain reached in about 40 minutes, and then would plunge into a long tunnel, winding its way like a corkscrew up through the middle of the Zugspitze to reach Germany’s highest skiing area at 9, 340 feet above sea level half an hour later.” Then, I would take “the Gletscherbahn glacier cable car for a quick few minute ride up to the summit, Zugspitzgipfel at almost 10, 000 feet where I could stroll out to a sunny terrace and survey the world below, have a snack, and/or cross the border to Austrian soil and have another snack…and then return back on the Eisbee cable car for the thrilling ten-minute descent directly to the Eisbee lake and then back on the rack railway again to Garmisch Partenkirchen…”

Well, when I got to the ticket booth to buy this round-trip excursion pass, I took a look at the live web-cam showing views of the top of the mountain: it looked like it was snowing on the moon! I was definitely not prepared for that kind of weather and knew I would be disappointed to have little visibility along the way and at the top.

So instead, I opted for going up a closer mountain and still got to ride the rack railway and take a gondola up to a restaurant at 6, 725 feet. I ate a traditional Bavarian lunch of goulash and spätzle (short doughy pieces eaten as noodles) on a sunny deck surrounded by the snow-laced Alps all around, complete with Bavarian music cranked over the stereo speakers. From there I caught another gondola to another lodge (these people know how to live!) and then walked for half an hour taking deep breaths of that vital air that can only be found at high altitudes, snapping tons of pictures of the surrounding peaks (und mein klein schwein–snort! snort!) and the autumnal trees with their leaves just beginning to turn yellow and persimmon-colored. There were wonderful benches placed along the ledges, every one of them occupied by other “day-trippers”. I was thrilled to see that the majority looked to be 20-40 (!) years older than I out walking the paths in their hiking boots and armed with their walking sticks. Truly inspiring! I caught my last gondola (sadly) down the mountain, took the rack railway back to town and the regular train to Munich. What a day! As you can imagine, I’m still reeling from the mountains’ eloquent grandeur.

And, I still hope to get to the top of the Zugspitze with one of the daring family groupings that are coming next month; not to mention, the 12th century abbey where the monks still brew what’s said to be the best beer in Germany! (If Germany arguably makes the best beer of any country in the world and this sanctified place makes the best beer in Germany, then wouldn’t it follow that theirs must be the best beer in the world?! I feel a bit obliged to do reconnaissance on that one, too!)

¡Basta ya! As is said, not in German but Spanish, when “enough’s enough”. I’m going to blame this long rambling on my friend Dane who wrote and encouraged me to write blog entries: “the longer and more detailed, the better, and more entertaining, and crucial to keeping all your reader’s existential separation anxiety issues abated.” I don’t know if this approximates what he had in mind when he wrote “more entertaining” and I certainly hope you’re not afflicted with too much “existential separation anxiety issues”; but rather, I hope this week’s dispatch finds you healthy, even frequently frolicksome, and able to eek out some well-deserved rest now and then!

Alles ist Gut
und
Alles Liebe,
Katalina

PS: I’ll try and get my brother to load a couple of Alps photos here. Stay tuned.

Other

Yesterday I received my fourth treatment with Dr. Kübler–just 6 more to go! I’m happy to report that my veins cooperated on the first try again and worked splendidly for the whole treatment. All the love you are sending is doing the trick! I also got my slow drip of dendritic cells and then for dessert, 2 shots of the flu vaccine. As promised, my symptoms came on sooner than last week. In fact, I was in line at the grocery store a few hours later when I started to feel like I was going to explode! I don’t think the sweet-looking old woman, fumbling through her purse for exact change, had any idea that I was standing behind her trying to decide whether to leave my groceries and bolt for the door or just keep deep-breathing my way through it. I settled on the latter and made it home just in time!

Since I took Ibuprofin at the first sign of symptoms last time and that seemed to lessen them but I think also made them last twice as long, I held off this time. Bundled in bed with the heating pad and “24” playing on the DVD player, I progressively got more and more chilled, nauseous, and achey. Just when I thought I couldn’t stand it, the phone rang and it was Howard! What a difference to hear his loving voice and feel his empathy and encouragement. So, as he has been for me innumerable times since I met him, Howard was my saving grace, my angel again!

Also as promised, the worst of the symptoms worked their way through in about 4 hours and I slept well last night. I’m still in pjs after spending the morning getting lost in a novel. I don’t have big plans for the day: maybe a load of laundry, a little vacuuming, and if all goes well, a walk in the park at sunset (see if the gnats still look like fire sparks in the sunlight and my slightly-altered state). I’m grateful to rest. Tomorrow, I’ll hit the pool and be up to my old tricks of haunting the city asking people if they “schprekenze English?”

Last weekend, I took advantage of the discounted rates for visiting the state-run museums (1 Euro on Sundays) and saw an amazing photography exhibit called “Humanism in China” at the Pinakothek der Moderne. There were several rooms filled with photographs of the Chinese people in their every day life taken by numerous Chinese photographers over the last twenty or so years. Yesterday, as my blood was being pumped in and out, I spent a long time reviewing in my mind as many of the different scenes from the exhibit as I could remember. A few that captured my imagination included: children crossing a suspension bridge to go to and from school everyday and where the wooden planks run out a girl of about nine balances on the wire cable, her slippered-feet arched around it, her hands holding tight to the cables above; a young man covered in soap suds from head to toe, bathing himself from a bucket in front of some apartment buildings, his head tilted back and smiling widely; or another man who has created a make-shift bed on top of two occupied train seats on a crowded train and is holding onto the luggage rack to keep his perch. In fact, there were many incredible crowd shots, but two really caught my eye of commuters on their way to work. In one: hundreds of people are walking their bikes across a bridge, tire to tire. And in the other, a line of moped taxis, three across, take people to work, lined-up again, tire to tire, driving along the sidewalk. I could go on and on, but maybe I’ll save it for a poem…I think I might have to go back and see the exhibit again.

After the museum visit, I rode my bike to the Japanese Tea House in the English Garden just in time to observe a traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony. I couldn’t understand the introduction before the demonstration nor the impressive amount of questions and answers afterwards because they were conducted in German; but, the silent reverence for each thing and act observed in the ceremony itself left me with an ethereal calm that I took out into the afternoon with me. Also, as the river runs right next to the Tea House the sporadic sound of duck quacking, coming through the rice paper walls, really rounded out the mix of languages I was experiencing: German, Japanese, English (in my head), and Duck. Quite a multicultural experience.

So, thanks so much for checking-in here. As I write, I’m picturing your faces and feeling your friendship and it’s almost like I’m with you––which is always such a gift!

On another note, I have heard that emails you’ve sent have been bouncing back. I think the problem was based in some emails with Shakespeare lectures included that I asked Howard to send me. I have saved them to my hard drive and I think there is room to receive new messages again. Sorry for the technical difficulties. It was weird, some emails were getting through…Go figure.

I am sending you my love,
Kathleen

Other

I got my first twin shots of a flu vaccine yesterday. I believe the idea behind the use of them as part of my treatment is to kick my immune system into the “fight” mode. Once that’s happening, the dose of natural killer cells and dendritic cells can hunt down the tumor cells and destroy them. And, I must say, it does feel like there’s a bit of a war going on inside.

Frau Kübler warned me that I’d probably start feeling flu symptoms about 6 hours after the shots but that they should only last a few hours. It’s a strange feeling to walk around the city visiting the vegetable stand, the cheese hut, choosing which bread to try this time at the bakery, feeling just fine but being aware that soon I probably won’t…I suppose it could be seen as a microcosm of my experience of cancer: the gift of having a heightened awareness and appreciation of when I’m feeling well and functioning normally with the underlying understanding that it might not always be so. Of course, we all don’t know… but this diagnosis is a constant reminder to dive in deeply and leave as little undone or uncherished as possible.

Anyways, I started to feel kind of punky around 6pm but the real onslaught of chills, aches, and nausea didn’t hit me until 1 am! I know I should have been asleep at that “unteacherly” hour but I made the mistake of dipping into the only English DVDs I can find in the apartment: a whole season of “24”. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a high-speed suspense drama with Kiefer Sutherland playing an anti-terrorist agent. Not usually my cup of tea; but, I confess, I’m sucked-in! There are numerous plots and intrigues weaving in and out of each other on personal and national levels raising interesting questions about how one act or attitude can ripple through the fabric of society setting-off…yaddy-yaddy-yaddy…The ugly truth is, when one episode ends I feel compelled to watch just one more… So, seeing once again that I often come-up short in the personal discipline area, I’ve decided to limit myself to watching only one disc on the nights of my treatment! Otherwise, I promise, reading and writing poetry is what is truly giving me the most pleasure and satisfaction.

I’ll admit the symptoms aren’t fun but all I needed to do last night was remind myself that they are nothing compared to some of the horrors and long-lasting side effects of doing chemotherapy or radiation! And, again, I truly believe this is the cure in the making!

Today, I feel like one might the second day of having the flu. Still achy, no appetite, and I’m moving pretty s-l-o-w-l-y; but, I walked to the park and found a bench that the sun was still shining on at 7pm. I’m bundled up because it ain’t warm—fall and the rain have been with us for days upon days—but I swear that park is strong medicine for what can ail a soul! The gnats were out in droves but in the setting sun they looked like auburn sparks floating on the wind. I’m just out-of-it enough that I found myself thoroughly entertained watching them for some time! (And no, I didn’t visit the biergarten first!)

I guess that’s the big news for now. I suspect I’ll feel better tomorrow and be ready to resume my morning routine of swimming—in the free-for-all, no lane markers, swimming frenzy of the German public swimming pool. It just runs completely contrary to all the stereotypes of strict organization and efficiency I’ve always heard is the trademark of this culture. I can’t decide whether it’s actually a remarkable, yet highly unconscious, underwater choreography performed by a mass of total strangers or if it’s a heedless acting-out of the primal need to give in to chaos. I guess: maybe a little bit of both.

Please soak up some of that dry, warm weather I hear you’ve been enjoying in Santa Cruz for me!

Lots of love und schnitzel to you!
Frau Flowers

Other

I’m back in Münich! I had a wunderbar time in Dettelbach at my friend Angelika’s childhood home. She and her parents were so good to me in every way–treating me as if I were the prodigal daughter finally returning. They speak more English than I do German but there was a lot of looking up key words in the German-English dictionary when Angelika wasn’t around to translate. I felt like a 2 year old again listening so carefully to try and pick up words here and there. I’d catch myself parroting aloud what I heard and then practicing it under my breath until I got a chance to use it and surprise everyone. So fun! Her parents really reminded me of my German-American grandparents, their mannerisms, their gentleness and incredible good-nature. And the food took me right back to those glorious days of sitting down to eat at Grandma’s table: fresh fruits and vegetables from the garden, great bread, and 20 different kinds of sausages and cold cuts–I kid you not! You know me, I could spend the whole blog talking about the food, but I’ll show a little more discipline here than I did during the meals there! (Please don’t tell Herr Doctor Kübler that I blew-off my special diet. I just figured, when am I gonna’ get a chance like that again? And I’m sated now and back to the protocol.) Besides eating, we spent time in their paradisical garden. I talked big about helping but mostly we sat and admired all the flowers, trees, and bird song, sipping the local wine mixed with sparkling mineral water: weinshcoller (not sure if I got the spelling right). Angelika also took me on some wonderful walking tours of the town and we spent one afternoon driving through the green, greeen, GREEN rolling hills and farmland visiting other towns. Another day, we went to the nearest city, Würzberg, and spent the afternoon walking through the palace, turned museum, and its gorgeous gardens. We did spend one afternoon with some of Angelika’s friends hanging-out at a couple of the wineries, trying the wine that is only grown in that region of the world, and which pretty much just gets sold only there. Unfortunately, everyone wanted to be able to converse, so I didn’t get a real dose of Polka music. Guess I gotta’ go back next year…
So, second treatment was on Wednesday and I was all geared-up to get really sick again. Didn’t happen! I felt fine all afternoon and evening. But, they are warning me that next week I get my first flu shot vaccinations (2) and I most likely will get similar symptoms as I did last week. Good news is: the symptoms should only last a few hours. As long as I know that feeling awful is a sign that the medicine is working, hunting down and killing those evil cancer cells (Pac Man style), than I think I can handle it. It’s those “mysterious” sicknesses that put me a bit on edge, if you know what I mean.
I hear it’s been uncharicteristically HOT in Santa Cruz. Sounds kinda’ good. It’s been overcast and rainy here. Feels like fall. Luckily, it’s not too cold. I’m riding my bike through the park, swimming at the indoor pool in the mornings, and this afternoon I discovered where the HUGE outdoor market is downtown. Chanterelle mushrooms are in season so there are these great pyramids of golden fungi everywhere. Of course, I got some. Actually, they had everything under the sun. I enjoyed just walking around and checking-it all out. What really caught my eye were these little hedgehogs made out of some kind of dried plant material. Sooo cute. The question is: how am I gonna’ get a bunch home as gifts for y’all?
I know school started at DeLaveaga on Wednesday. All morning, I kept imagining all the kids and families arriving, finding their new classes. I could feel that totally contagious excitement that’s in the air in those first days. Last night, I dreamed about teaching and woke up feeling a little lost. I miss my Dos Alas and DeLaveaga community but know that I’m thinking of you all and wishing you a great start to the school year. I’ll come and visit as soon as I get back.
I think it’s time to pureé the sweet potato soup I’ve got simmering on the stove, so I’ll sign off for now with a big hug!
Lots of love,
Kathleen
PS: I just can’t go without thanking everyone for their thoughts, prayers, notes and interest in my healing adventure. I am strengthened by your love and care. I also want to send a special thank you to the Carmelite Sisters who are following my progress and praying for me even though we’ve never met! Bless you!

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