THE BIG COUNTDOWN
On Another Continent
Afraid of missing you so much I’ll miss
what’s here before me, I secure blinders
against my longing and quip, It’s Zen
to stay in the present, all the while
bumping into dullness.
But when I let myself yearn for you,
I become this city with all its bells
in all its churches ringing all at once––
their big, brass hearts bonging along
with mine in a cacophony of exuberance.
When I risk a loneliness I might not
be able to bear, I become instead
sudden rain splashing the drowsy lake.
I become all its waves and ripples
radiating out across its shivering surface.
I become the ducks turned upside down,
feeding on every morsel of every memory.
I am the geese and their inelegant honking,
running upon the water, soon flying back to you.
©Kathleen Flowers, October 2007
It’s the big count-down now: only two days until my mom and niece, Ella, arrive for a visit. In less than two weeks, my brother, Brian, his wife, Meg, and their daughter, Breegan, will be here. Then, three days after they leave, October 31, I fly home! Having my loved ones here is going to be so much fun! There are so many things I want to show them and do with them. I know the time will just whiz by!
Just as the other women from the clinic, that I’ve talked to, have said, the after-effects of the treatment are becoming easier each week. I think I’m over the worst of it. Hallelujah! Next week is my tenth and last blood draw! After that, I have two more appointments where I just receive the dendritic cells and the flu vaccine. When I go home, the clinic over-night expresses more vaccine made from my blood (packed on dry ice!) to inject once a week for several weeks. After that, we wait for all “the good guys to hunt down and destroy all the bad guys”. Around February, I return to the clinic to have my blood tested again to see where my numbers are. The goal is to get every thing under 500 which cancels out the threat of any new metastasis. (More prayers, more prayers.)
What an extraordinary experience this has been! I feel so incredibly fortunate to have been given this chance to heal, to have received TONS of encouragement and care from family and friends since I’ve been away, and to have so much to look forward to once I’ve returned home!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I love you all so!
Kathleen
P.S. My sincerest gratitude goes out to Amber Sumrall for doing numerous and very close readings of the new poems I’ve been writing here in Munich—including the one above––and for giving me invaluable suggestions for revising them. This collaboration has been potent medicine and great FUN!
As ever my old pal, I am happy to hear your words and also,
to provide more prayers. At all times. Without exception.
yrs, as usual,
k
Hi Kathleen,
Wow, can’t believe I’m leaving tonight with Ella — excited about seeing you real soon !!
I couldn’t resist hunting down the old photo of you and your sister Michelle taken when we lived in Germany for almost a year in the late 60’s. We would eat ocassionally at Gast hauses and the waitresses would come over and wisk you up and away into the kitchen area. Since our German was VERY limited, the first time we wondered if we’d ever see you again, but obviously we did, and then the next time it happened, we knew you’d come out beaming with a big chunk of chocolate in your sticky little fingers. They were always amazed at you and your sister and what little American Girls looked like — which always amused me since you’re half German and half Irish — I personally couldn’t see any difference except most of the German babies were a little plumper. We were in Munich for a month or so and I do remember the bier gartens and doing lots of pantomine and hand guestures talking with our friendly German tablemates– and of course you were there, too.
Can’t wait to see you.
Love,
Mom
Dear Kathleen
So happy to hear your mom & Ella will be staying with you for awhile.
ENJOY!!! & then Brian & Meg & Breegan!! That’s great. & the best part is shortly after all the company you will be heading home!
As always you are in our thoughts & our prayers.
Love, Aunt Patti, Uncle Dave & all
Beautiful poem, Kathleen. I’ve been thinking about how much you must miss Howard.
It’s a long time to be separated. Just before I married my last husband, I went on a trip to Europe for 2 weeks. I’ll never forget the leaping hug at the Oakland Airport when I returned. All your descriptons of Munich are great fun to read. I especially like the image of beer drinking folks at October Fest as one big kelp bed. Brought back snorkeling visions. Have a loving time with your family and a safe trip home.
Love,
Joan
Querida Kathleen,
Que bonita es tu poema. Me gusta mucho. Te extrano y espero que estes bien contigo y tu familia. Brian (to me little Brian) and HIS child, oh my, how the years fly by. So happy your mom is there now too. Disfruta mucho, mi amiga!
Santa Cruz has shed its gauzy summer garments and donned its fall garb as many trees blush varied colors and winds chill. I so enjoyed the Pacific Rim Film Festival and the many films from various countries like Korea, Japan, China. It was lovely to go to five films in one weekend; I felt so spoiled as we are to have this festival in Santa Cruz each year.
I see you are friends with Joan S. Happily for me she is currently in my Cabrillo Autobiography class which meets downtown on Monday nights. We have a wonderful class, many who have lived rather long lives and share their journeys so well Another rich experience for me as a teacher. I am so grateful that is and has been my calling–for over 40 years now, Kathleen.
Luxuriate in the love of your dear family–I know them all, except the little one. I send you love and light in bushels and yes, more prayers, more prayers.
Love, Kathy