I got my first twin shots of a flu vaccine yesterday. I believe the idea behind the use of them as part of my treatment is to kick my immune system into the “fight” mode. Once that’s happening, the dose of natural killer cells and dendritic cells can hunt down the tumor cells and destroy them. And, I must say, it does feel like there’s a bit of a war going on inside.

Frau Kübler warned me that I’d probably start feeling flu symptoms about 6 hours after the shots but that they should only last a few hours. It’s a strange feeling to walk around the city visiting the vegetable stand, the cheese hut, choosing which bread to try this time at the bakery, feeling just fine but being aware that soon I probably won’t…I suppose it could be seen as a microcosm of my experience of cancer: the gift of having a heightened awareness and appreciation of when I’m feeling well and functioning normally with the underlying understanding that it might not always be so. Of course, we all don’t know… but this diagnosis is a constant reminder to dive in deeply and leave as little undone or uncherished as possible.

Anyways, I started to feel kind of punky around 6pm but the real onslaught of chills, aches, and nausea didn’t hit me until 1 am! I know I should have been asleep at that “unteacherly” hour but I made the mistake of dipping into the only English DVDs I can find in the apartment: a whole season of “24”. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a high-speed suspense drama with Kiefer Sutherland playing an anti-terrorist agent. Not usually my cup of tea; but, I confess, I’m sucked-in! There are numerous plots and intrigues weaving in and out of each other on personal and national levels raising interesting questions about how one act or attitude can ripple through the fabric of society setting-off…yaddy-yaddy-yaddy…The ugly truth is, when one episode ends I feel compelled to watch just one more… So, seeing once again that I often come-up short in the personal discipline area, I’ve decided to limit myself to watching only one disc on the nights of my treatment! Otherwise, I promise, reading and writing poetry is what is truly giving me the most pleasure and satisfaction.

I’ll admit the symptoms aren’t fun but all I needed to do last night was remind myself that they are nothing compared to some of the horrors and long-lasting side effects of doing chemotherapy or radiation! And, again, I truly believe this is the cure in the making!

Today, I feel like one might the second day of having the flu. Still achy, no appetite, and I’m moving pretty s-l-o-w-l-y; but, I walked to the park and found a bench that the sun was still shining on at 7pm. I’m bundled up because it ain’t warm—fall and the rain have been with us for days upon days—but I swear that park is strong medicine for what can ail a soul! The gnats were out in droves but in the setting sun they looked like auburn sparks floating on the wind. I’m just out-of-it enough that I found myself thoroughly entertained watching them for some time! (And no, I didn’t visit the biergarten first!)

I guess that’s the big news for now. I suspect I’ll feel better tomorrow and be ready to resume my morning routine of swimming—in the free-for-all, no lane markers, swimming frenzy of the German public swimming pool. It just runs completely contrary to all the stereotypes of strict organization and efficiency I’ve always heard is the trademark of this culture. I can’t decide whether it’s actually a remarkable, yet highly unconscious, underwater choreography performed by a mass of total strangers or if it’s a heedless acting-out of the primal need to give in to chaos. I guess: maybe a little bit of both.

Please soak up some of that dry, warm weather I hear you’ve been enjoying in Santa Cruz for me!

Lots of love und schnitzel to you!
Frau Flowers

kathleen Other